Most folks have that one friend, the one who puts in the occasional appearance, rarely participates in group chats, infrequently attends parties, gatherings, other social events. Somehow, rather than alienating the others, the very inaccessibility, the remoteness, the mystery, draws that person deeper within to the friendship circle.
With a brutally iron hand, during the eighth century B.C. Assyria ruled the people of what is now known as northwestern Iran but was then Medea until finally the Medes rose up and threw off the yoke of Assyrian power. The Medes had been so traumatized by their subjugation that they resolved to have no centralized form of government, no monarchy, no power of rule vested in one man. Eventually, the nation fractured into mini-fiefdoms, villages fighting villages, in the absence of a consistent rule of law. Out of this chaos rose a man by the name of Deoices, who soon developed a reputation for fairness and just treatment, and eventually all the people of Medea brought their conflicts and squabbles and disputes to him for adjudication, with all parties respecting his decisions. However, Deoices grew tired of serving that role, and retreated to tend to his own affairs. Predictably, Medea fell back into chaos, and the village leaders agreed that a government must be established, under the rule of a monarchy. Of course, Deoices was the first choice. But he repeatedly demurred, claiming that he wanted nothing further to do with the nation’s infighting; eventually, he relented … with conditions.
He was to be built a palace, and given guards, and constructed of a capital city from which he could rule. Huge walls were built to surround the city, denying the common people any access, and direct communication with him was forbidden; he only spoke to and through messengers, and then only once a week. King Deoices ruled for 53 years, and laid the foundation for what would become the Persian empire under Cyrus, his great-great grandson {Ezra 5:13}.
Deoices was an ambitious man, desirous of power. After Medes had crawled out from under the rule of the Assyrians, Deoices saw that the country needed strong leadership and believed himself to the man for the job. But making himself available as the arbiter of disputes was not manifesting the power he sought; so he withdrew, and let the country miss him, his leadership, his steady hand. Eventually, the people begged him to become king.
Familiarity breeds contempt. The oversaturation of one’s presence diminishes one’s power.
It is infinitely better to be missed than endured.
Strive that others should ask “Where have you been?” rather than “You again?”
Ninon de Lenclos, a 17th-century French courtesan, once observed:
“Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion.”
Howard Hughes.
JD Salinger.
Greta Garbo.
Imagine if Marilyn Monroe had not died at 36 but instead aged to 60, or 70 … saggy, flabby, swollen and painted. She would not now be the indominable sex symbol, etched in global memory as the eternal beauty, the pinnacle of blonde, but would instead be remembered as merely just another actress, who was once kind of pretty.
The law of presence and absence cultivates a mystery and longing in / for others … too much of a person becomes habit, then presumption, then resentment.
Consider this law as an exposition of supply and demand … scarcity increases value. Treat one’s presence and participation / coupled with absence and obscurity / in the same vein.
Consider: the Sun.
A series of rainy, gloomy, overcast days creates a longing for sunlight.
But too many days of glaring heat instills a craving for night.
Kenny Rogers sang it best …
You got to know when to hold ‘em
Know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run.
“If presence diminishes fame, absence augments it.”
— Balthasar Gracian, 1601-1658
Master the art of departing, and the power of your presence will elevate.
However …
… one must have obtained a level of power before the absence is noted; leave too soon and risk simply being forgotten. Thus, establish one’s presence in the nascent stages of power, then – and only then – depart at the apex.