OK so again – food.

Notably, costs associated with feeding self and others go down pree-sip-pit-tus-ly! (precipitously) upon use of the hands blessfully (yeh I spelt it rite) attached to one’s body (making some assumptions here but work with me) … oooue.  A recipe.

Meet Meat Sammich, or Meet Sammich of Meat

Bread of choice/edibility, top & bottom piece
                … Hoagies preferred (better toasted maybe butter maybe not you do you)

Mayo (will not suffer a Mr’cl Wip to live)

Mustard (pref. stone ground/dijon – too frou (froo?)

Turkey, sliced thin (YMMV)

Salami, sliced thin (YMMV)

Bacon (hmmm … bacon, and heavy on the salt AND the grease … everything tastes better unhealthy)

Lettuce, few pieces (iceberg best, lasts forever w/no flavor; romaine works too but … salmonella)

Red onion is the BEST onion cuz it’s purty and tasty

Tomatoes and pickles are gross and disgusting unless they’re not and prepared well but don’t work for this sammich unless somebody else wants to eat them here but not on this. YOU RUINED IT 

Salt/Pepper (YMMV)

Mix up separately in cup/bowl/hand:  ½ splat olive oil, ½ splat balsamic viniagrette for sprizzle/drinkle

Cook the bacon.

Raw/wrongly cooked pork will make you sick and can actually kill you.  {Leviticus 11:7}  Like, imagine a deep, gutted ripping within the belly parts – think: rat torture … Game of Thrones was GREAT until it wasn’t – that simultaneously forces poop out of one end and puke out the other, mixed in with a little blood and pus. 

Should probably pass on that, and cook the bacon. 

I/we/you heard that microwaved bacon is a thing buuuttt absent proof bacon in this house gets fried on the stove.  Anyway, after converting the bacon into consumable format….

Brown the bread in toaster oven or maybe a blowtorch if you got those skillz
                PAY ATTENTION bread browns fast … if you’re not paying attention / otherwise takes forever

Rip up enough of the lettuce to eat
                should probably clean it first because it was pulled out of the ground
               (making some assumptions here but work with me)

Slice the onion really thin into preferred howevermuch
                (I like a lot then go play heavy breathing on Half, who only pretends not to love it)

Grab some pre-sliced turkey and salami, section out to preference
                Packaged, processed, nitrite-filled lunchmeat works
                … too much causes cancer but small doses are probably fine.  Like radiation. 
                Could be excess pris and have your lunch meat sliced at the counter, but then you suck.  
                In a good way, maybe, but you still suck.  Nah, just buy the processed crap and eat it.  

Get the toasted bread, find a plate, or maybe a paper towel, toilet paper, something.  I suppose if there is a countertop you can put the bread down there, but … ewww. When was that cleaned? And by who/m?

Anyway put the bread down and use a knife (a flat stick?) to spread the mayo and mustard on one side of each slice.  Wipe the … thing before switching to the other spread … cross-condiment transfer is just … ewww.  

Shake some salt/pepper on the smeared sides of the bread, then layer the lettuce, onion, and meats in alternating rows, with easy flicks of salt/pepper and gentle splats of the oil/vinaigrette sprizzle/drinkle mixed in between. Go easy on the flicks & splats, not a lot needed …

When done, slap on the top, slice the sammich in two, and yes.  Chips are good.  Beer is better. 

What?  Is that, like … a meal?  That you/we/us made? With our hands? Cool. And we can eat this. Adulting can be fun.

Not really but … beer.

We tried the sandwich and really like it.  Thumbs way up, and five stars.  It is good.  And has flavors.