How, exactly, did I get here?  Boredom and indifference.  And inattention.  

Now settled; moving on.

Mentioned earlier that my debt portfolio began at 18; that’s when I ran away and joined the Credit Circus, and got my very own debt monkey. 

The Credit Circus – that magical trick of modern life, where we get to like stuff, take it home, use it, and discard it, all the while never having paid for it. 

One need only adopt a debt monkey, and the Credit Circus gives them away for free.

And I loved my debt monkey; he was cute, and furry, and he smiled a lot.  He smelled wild but I kind of liked it.  Together, we played with all the shiny things. My debt monkey made me feel like adulting might not be so bad, that it could be a lot of fun, and wasn’t as tough as the parents said it was.  I fully believed that joining the Credit Circus and having my own debt monkey was Adulting 101. 

One problem … I don’t know how to train a debt monkey, or exactly what to feed it.  I didn’t get the owner’s manual, or even a list of helpful tips.  I saw other people with their debt monkeys — some played with them, some put them to work — but in my family the debt monkeys just ran wild.

[I do recall a period of time when my parents’ monkey was placed in a cage, only fed a certain amount for some years, but even after that the monkey still ate too much … moving on]

So, I would just feed my debt monkey and let it play.  Worked for some years, buuut …

Over time, I have found … well, no need to get into grisly specifics just yet – for descriptive purposes let’s say over the years my debt monkey has grown from Bubbles to Clyde to Kong …

No names, please, just type and general amounts, purely for statistical purposes, and to gain an appreciation for the total overall simian dimensions … [drumroll]

Say hello to my … personal … debt monkey …

WOW gotta Silverback! even so, they too can be hunted to extinction, and King Kong got shot off the Empire State.  Let’s begin. 

One really good thing, tho’ – to a monkey, all bananas taste the same … just need to stop feeding it so much. 

Thus far, I’ve fed my monkey almost a quarter mil … that’s just personal debt.  Not the house; Half did that.  Buuut it does include a student loan, and I’m actually earning money in my field of academic debt … not the preferred one a’cours but close enough.  And there are literally mil-lee-yawns of folks w/6-figure debt in classical studies working retail.

So that’s something ELSE to be thankful for … “Lord, thank You … You just let Your hits keep coming … [grins stoopitly] please please please keep on keeping on!” 

First things first, I must accept my responsibility as the ringleader of the Credit Circus.  The acts are different for everyone; thus, the key to an excellent performance is realizing and recognizing … this is my show. 

Your debt monkey needs you to feed it.  Although it would be nice, you can’t let your monkey starve because then you might not eat, and with smart training your debt monkey can be used to feed you.  [Prov. 12:24]

But! Without a debt monkey, you cannot perform in the Credit Circus, and you get to sit in the audience and watch … which is actually better/smarter from a personal wellness standpoint (no debt/no stress/no monkey/no poo) … buuut if no one performs in the Credit Circus … and no one adopts their own debt monkeys … there is no show … no one eats, and we all starve.

Um. That will be a nothankyouthanks.

So the question becomes – how to feed the debt monkey? 

Because at this point … debt is life. 

If you rent or lease / landlord … if you own / mortgage&property taxes. 

Grow your own food?  Seeds and soil.  Even nudists need shoes and winter coats. 

@some point, the human body will malfunction … & unless the error is terminal the repair will cost something to fix. 

Solution?  Just stop feeding the monkey.  Wait, what?   Didn’t you just say–

Yup.  Although the mere fact of simply being alive costs something (the … a-hem … “cost of living”) a lot of what I feed my debt monkey – while not totally eliminate-able (nue wurd!) – can be minimized or mitigated to a huge extent, just by leashing the monkey tight and controlling everything it eats. 

A budget can help with that.

But I don’t do budgets. 

HahahaHAAA

Forget a budget.  Budgets don’t work.  Everybody hates budgets.  People cringe at just the wuuurd “budget.”  Budgets are a joke.

Know why budgets don’t work? 

Because money ain’t math.